Idols who would fail at SEX

I’m sure that perverted fans like me have often thought about having hot steamy sex with their favourite idols. For the girls out there planning to lose their virginity to their idol, perhaps it’s time to face some chilling possibilities. Foremost being: does your bias suck at sex?!?!, and secondly being, does you bias have STDs….

Ignoring the ones that are too old, and obviously ruling out the ones that are too young (because I don’t want to be arrested), let’s take a look at the list of celebrities, who for a variety of reasons, really should suck at sex. (The ones who have STDs we can only speculate about) 😀

#1 JYJ’s Jaejoong (Hero):

Jaejoong is such an androgynous boy that having sex with him would be like doing it with a much prettier version of yourself. And you know that he’ll want to take a selca before, after and during sex.

#2 Kyuhyun:

Now, I love Kyuhyun’s voice and his cute charisma but my vagina literally clamped shut the minute I saw his pre-plastic surgery face. Sex with him would be like:

‘Oh oh oh’…

*plastic surgery image pops into head*

Libido forever destroyed.

Now I’m going to use science to try to justify this. I’m sure we’ve all learnt about natural selection at school .i.e. it’s our animalistic nature to want to breed with the most elite male in each group. Well my body’s rejection of Kyuhyun is clearly just nature warning me not to sire offspring with this man. *shrugs* Can’t fight nature.

#3 Lee Hong Ki: 

Get him and his perpetually manicured hands away from my body! I should be the one stabbing him with my nails during sex. Not the other way round! *gosh*

Lee Hong Ki's nail art....

And you know what they say about a slippery slope. Next thing you know he’ll be wearing your undies and calling himself KiKi. Actually, my goldfish’s name was KiKi. But she died.

#4 Kevin (from UKiss):

Any man who can execute a girl dance cover as well as him cannot possibly be good in bed. Do you know why? Because every time a guy shimmies, a portion of his sperm dies. And if you’ve see the number of times Kevin has shimmied, well….let’s just say you won’t need any contraception.

#5 Donghae (Super Junior):

Ummm…because i don’t want his manboobs rubbing all over me. It would be like: ‘omg donghae your hair is so hawt…omg oppa! I love your face…and wow your shoulders are like, so so wide…*moving down moving down* ..OMG what are theses???? MANBOOBS?’

Donghae’s manboobs: ruining sexual fantasies since 2011

#6 ZE:A’s Kwanghee:

I would be afraid to touch him during sex. For the fear that I would break his FACE.

His plastic surgeon probably warns him avoid strenuous activities because it may upset an implant 😛

Do you agree with my list? Or do you now want to take my arm off?

Let me know in the comments below!

xoxo

Nic

12 thoughts on “Idols who would fail at SEX

    • HAHAHA. Being a dancer and all I thought he’d have a ripped mid-section. But alas, maybe he could try liposuction if the exercising doesn’t work out haha

  1. Haha… I feel this is more of a “which idols have the least sex appeal” XD; Because… just because one wears nail art or another has man boobs doesn’t mean they won’t be good in bed XD
    So yeah, I like this article because it’s funny, but I feel the title is misleading XD;

  2. Rotfl.. Hahaha.. You guys are crazy awesome. You stated your mind without offensing fans, it’s a hard thing to do but you have successfully do that. I mean, I’m crazy in love with JJ and I adore Kyu and Hae, also thinks that Kwanghee is really cute BUT instead of offended by this post, I surprisingly love it.. Well it’s not surprising actually, because who wouldn’t love it? I read this like too many times but it never failed in making me laugh in tears.. Briliant job!! Have you consider writing anything for commercial purpose? If you haven’t, maybe you should start because I def would pay to read your writings! Excellent excellent job!!!

    • HI!!! Thanks so much for your comment! I too would DO all of the guys on the list given the chance (haha) but it’s fun to poke fun at them sometimes. We haven’t thought of writing for commercial purposes but if we get paid, then we shall definitely offer our services (in a non sexual way of course ;DD).

  3. The reason for Kevin not being good at sex is that he did girl dances really well ? Then I think Key would be in the list as well for that reason alone, but I have a felling Key would be so fly under the sheets. RAWR.

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